2009 Movie Rankings

1. I LOVE YOU, MAN! **** SEEN IT TWICE!

2. THE HANGOVER **** EXTREMELY FUNNY. STAY FOR CREDITS.

3. UP! **** AWESOME … PIXAR MAGIC

4. THE WRESTLER **** MICKEY ROURKE IS AMAZING

5. SUNSHINE CLEANING **** VERY DARK, BUT POWERFUL

6. STAR TREK ***1/2 KAHN, FIRST CONTACT, NOW WERE TALKING

7. SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE ***1/2 MUST SEE

8. TAKEN ***1/2 LIAM KICKS A$$

9. CLOUDY W/ MEATBALLS *** MADE ME HUNGRY

10. HARRY POTTER 6 *** YET ANOTHER DARK POTTER EDITION. YAY!

11. JULIE & JULIA *** STREEP IS AMAZING

12. MY BLOODY VALENTINE *** STUPID HORROR FUN

13. FRIDAY THE 13th **i/2 LIKE THE SERIES? YOU’LL LIKE THIS EDITION

14. WOLVERINE **1/2 WAS HOPING IT WAS BETTER THAN IT WAS

15. WHIP IT! **1/2 MEAN CHICKS AND FISHNET STOCKINGS

16.ANGELS & DEMONS **1/2 SLOW IN PARTS, STILL ENJOYABLE.

17. WATCHMAN **1/2 COMICBOOK CHAOS JUST LONG

18. FANBOYS **1/2 I HAD A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS

19. INVENTION OF LYING **1/2 THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE LIST EVER!

20. PUBLIC ENEMIES **1/2 DEPP GIVES HIS ALL. MOVIE . . . NOT SO MUCH

21. MONSTERS VS ALIENS **1/2 SOME GREAT LINES, LITTLE SLOW, AWESOME ANIM

22. ADVENTURELAND **1/2 SURPRISINGLY NOT FUNNY, BUT I LIKED IT.

23. THE PROPOSAL **1/2 SANDRA B. . . . SO NAKED! THANK YOU!

24. DISTRICT 9 **1/2 I ENJOYED IT. DOESN’T MEAN YOU WILL.

25. ZOMBIELAND **1/2 I HAVE A HUNKER-IN FOR A TWINKIE!

26. ALIENS IN THE ATTIC **1/2 GOOD FAM FRIENDLY ALIEN INVASION

27. FUNNY PEOPLE **(MAYBE 1/2) LONG, BUT ENJOYABLE

28. SURROGATES **1/2 TIME TO ADMIT MY MAN CRUSH ON WILLIS

29. POST GRAD **1/2 I LOVE CAROL BURNETT.

30. TERMINATOR SALVATION ** DESTRUCTIBLE T800’s, WHY?

31. LAST CHANCE HARVEY ** ENJOYABLE

32. TRANSFORMERS 2 ** MICHAEL BAY … STOP IT!

33. G.I. Joe ** 20 YEARS TO LATE

34.GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS ** SEE IT 4 MICHAEL DOUGLAS … OR NOT

35. RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN ** DWAYNE JOHNSON … ALIENS, FUNNY

36. HANNAH MONTANA ** NOT AS HORRIBLE AS I IMAGINED.

37. NIGHT AT MUESEUM 2 ** STORY IS PAINFUL, BUT HAS A FEW LAUGHS.

38. BAND SLAM ** HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL, ONLY COOLER

39. WHERE THE WILD THINGS.. ** MY CARE BEAR NIGHTMARE COME TRUE.

40. EXTRACT ** OFFICE SPACE … MMMMMM NO …

41. HAUNTING IN CONN. ** SLOW. NO SCARES. BUT GOOD GHOST STORY

42. ICE AGE 3 ** JUMPED THE DINO-SHARK

43. PAUL BLART: MALL COP ** FEW LAUGHS

44. HAMLET 2 (DVD) ** STRANGE, BUT FUNNY

45. VALKRYE ** DIDN’T HATE TOM CRUISE

46. THE UGLY TRUTH ** FUNNY, DIRTY, … JUST OKAY

47. DOUBT ** HOFFMAN SAVE IT

48. IMAGINE THAT! ** EDDIE MURPHY SHTICK!

49. INKHEART ** FAMILY FRIENDLY

50. THE GOODS *3/4 5 JOKES JUST DOESN’T HOLD UP!

51. HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO * 3/4 TOO MUCH DRAMA IN THIS COMEDY

52. HALLOWEEN II * 1/2 A HORROR LEGENDS DEMISE

53. SORORITY ROW *1/2 WAIT HERE! I’LL BE RIGHT BACK

54. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY *1/2 NOT WORTH THE HYPE

55. OBSERVE & REPORT *1/2 JUST MEAN, GOT OLD FAST!

56. YEAR ONE! * WOW … UH JUST WOW!

57. HOTEL FOR DOGS – * KIDS MADE ME GO

58. SHORTS * WASN’T SHORT ENOUGH

59. NEW IN TOWN * CALL THE REALTOR!

60. DEFIANCE * LONG AND SLOW

61. THE SOLOIST * DOWNEY JR., FOX CAN’T GO WRONG! OOPS

62. PUSH * WHAT WAS THE POINT WITH THIS ONE!

63. LAST HOUSE ON LEFT * NOT GOOD AT ALL.

64. THE FINAL DESTINATION * PREDICTABLE AND BORING

65. BRIDE WARS * ANYBODY WANNA WATCH LAST HOUSE ON LEFT?

66. MISS MARCH * REALLY BAD! NO … REALLY BAD

67. FIRED UP! * I KNOW, I KNOW. TWO WEEKS NO MOVIE!

68. THE UNBORN 1/2* UNWATCHABLE

69. PINK PANTHER 2 0 STARS 2nd place finisher: WORST MOVIE 2009

70. THE ORPHAN 0 STARS THE WORST MOVIE 2009

My list consists of movies that I have seen in 2009. It does not only reflect films released in 2009. Some movies were made and released prior to 2009.

My Letter to The Walt Disney Company

To whom it may concern,

Have you ever noticed that your company (The Walt Disney Company) has this unique ability to kill off a parent? If you haven’t noticed, then perhaps you’ve noticed that one of the family members are missing from a lot of your films. For the most part the mother or the father is gone. It can be one or the other, but in some cases it’s both. Don’t believe me? Take a look!

I will make it simple. Let’s just look at animated films, since this is the bread and butter of the great Walt Disney. So you start with the first. “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” Simple she has a wicked step mother. So mom obviously not in the picture, but please note that we never even see dad.
“Pinocchio” gets a pass because he wasn’t real to begin with, but would Geppetto seriously survive getting eaten by a whale? Just had to ask!

I know animals aren’t human, but in a Disney film they might as well be. Bambi’s mom takes a bullet and leaves the poor fawn to fend for himself. Getting back to your Snow White scenario enter “Cinderella.” Once again we have an evil step mother because mom has died. (And we still never get to see dad)
Perhaps if you don’t have a mom or dad, simply move to the Jungle and be raised by a bear, panther, and snake, like Mowgli did in the “Jungle Book.”

Those films were the classics of Disney’s past. In 1989, Disney brought families back to the theaters with “The Little Mermaid.” We get to see and meet her father. Great! We know King Triton is her father, but … we never see mom get involved with young Ariel’s troubles. Her fight with her father causes her to leave home because her father doesn’t understand.

“Beauty & the Beast” was the next blockbuster for Disney. Once again, mom was not there to help out Belle as she had to deal with her Ill, dying father. We almost had a two-fer there.
Now the next film took us to the extreme. We actually get to see dad die. “The Lion King” lets Disney take that huge step into the future. At least Simba gets to talk to his dad’s big cumulous nimbus form later in the film.

From here it becomes standard practice.

“Aladdin” was an orphan boy who fell in love with the beautiful princess who lived with her paren …er uh sorry dad.

“Pocahontas”, we meet her dad, but hey the mother of the movie spoke out of a tree. That works, Right? Now Hunchback, Back to “The Lion King” mode of doing things, this time let’s pluck off mom instead. There’s a twist!

Then a miracle! “MULAN”
Wait … no way both parents. Arrange marriages, but both parents! Good Job Disney, you’re making strides.

Where “Mulan” failed the Disney protocol, Tarzan made up for it by not only killing a gorilla child in the beginning, but then both of Tarzan’s parents. Phew! You couldn’t have two movies with a mother and a father? That was too close. Back in business!

“Atlantis”, he’s not a child, but his parents are gone. So let’s get back to doing things the right way and bring in “Lilo & Stitch.” Great News … Both parents dead!

“Brother Bear.” Now this one is awesome, not only are both parents dead, but we get to see the mother bear fall off a cliff with Kenai’s brother. Always moving forward! Outstanding. Speaking of falling,

“Chicken Little’s” dad is left to ponder why his son is so awkward. Maybe mom could have helped out there? “Meet the Robinsons.” (This is becoming too easy) I do not even have to think anymore. It’s a story about an orphan. Original.

Have to be fair here. In “Bolt”, Penny has a mother I just can’t remember seeing her dad. Oh wait, there wasn’t one. Perhaps her mom and dad were getting divorce. Puppy definitely fixes that.

Now when the Pixar movies get involved, I can only re-call Andy’s dad not being around and Nemo’s mom becoming sushi for a reef traveling barracuda. What’s funny is, after Pixar and Disney split, we had movie after movie without the obligatory death or absentee parent.
But here is something absolutely amazing. It is not only amazing but incredible. “The Incredible’s” not only have both parents, but they are super heroes. For Disney that is incredible. Oh wait, that was Pixar’s first non Disney film. Never mind.

Disney was once again involved with Pixar with the release of “Up!” Beautiful love story in the beginning, but who cares, kill her off the old woman and put him with a kid who’s dad doesn’t have time for him.
And sadly even your latest “Partly Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs” was tarnished with the beloved mother falling quickly out of her role.

Later this year my family will go to see Disney’s newest classic “The Princess and the Frog.” From what I’ve seen this is a story about voodoo. I can’t wait to see if mom and dad are from the living dead. That would only add to Disney’s ability to give us perfect family entertainment.

Now when I started this list, I thought I would have maybe eight examples. Now, I guess the length has even surprised me. However, please keep in mind that I only looked at the animated movies. That doesn’t mean you haven’t continued your tradition with your live action films.

Hannah Montana: The Movie – Mom’s dead!

Bedtime Stories – has a Mom, but Dad is gone. (Not Dead, but gone)

Eight Below – Had to kill someone so why not the oldest female of the pack.

Pirates of Caribbean: Dead man’s chest – Title says it all!

Bridge to Terabithia – What a cute girl, Oops should have checked that swing.

The Game Plan – We’re fooled for awhile, but mom was dead after all.

Herbie: Fully Loaded – I guess mom’s not coming to the races!

Ice Princess – Maybe Dad could have paid for those lessons?

The Pacifier – Protecting the world but not to good at protecting himself. Dad’s dead.

Freaky Friday – Mom’s getting re-married cause dad is six feet under.

Snow Dogs – We get to know him for most of the movie, but there he goes. Dad’s dead!

The Princess Diaries – Dad was a great Prince, too bad we never met him. He’s dead!

The Mighty Ducks – Three movies, Charlie has a chance for a new dad, cause his dad is dead.

Angels in the Outfield – Dad was no angel here! He probably should have been.

Disney, I am begging now. Please understand that a mother and a father can be involved in a child’s life. There are millions of them doing it on a daily basis. The next time a writer comes in with a story idea, go ahead. Give mom and dad a try. It works. You don’t need to kill them off. Many families are very happy, and millions of them visit your family friendly theme parks each year.

Yes, the death of a parent is something we all deal with. However, it is not the only way to create drama in your films. Perhaps your main character should find a way home to get advice from the people who love them most. That is what I tell my children. I know we, my WIFE and I, are not the only ones saying that to our kids.

Thanks for your entertainment. Thanks for your theme parks. Thank you for your characters. I will continue to watch and hope. I will hope that one day I will see the perfect Disney family in a new Disney film. I’m sure it would be the happiest family on Earth!

Sincerely,
A Happily Alive Married Man.